Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Now, Trump enrolls in JNU to increase his liberal credentials!!!

Jai Guru Deva,

In a desperate bid of image changeover, Donald Trump decides to enroll himself in JNU for showing the republicans and rest of the universe the liberal side of his personality. "This is not a hasty decision after cancelling a couple of rallies but a well thought out decision by Donald. We are pretty confident that this gambit will work in our favor. After all, JNU is the Mecca err.. Jerusalem of liberal thinking where even public urination is treated as a gesture of liberty" explained one of his supporters. Several jobless guys analysts believe that this will swing the tide decisively in favor of Trump.  "I think this will help him, till now everybody accused him as prejudiced, hate monger, white supremacist. But once he enrolls in JNU he will naturally become a liberal thinker. I'm sure he will stop muslim bashing and will start wearing a rumi cap to display how progressive and liberal he has become" remarked one of the analyst while cleaning the accumulated dust in his ears. However, not all is well in Republican party. Republican leaders who spent $38M to stop Donald Trump are dumbstruck with this development. "Had he did this before, we would have saved $38M and thats hell lot of a money" groaned one of the angry leader. 

On the other side, Prof. Memon of JNU welcomed Donald Trump into the University. She explained that "By not belonging to the most violent Hindu religion he has a natural qualification for liberal thinking. Now, all he has to do is some practice with Azadi slogans and I'm sure he will be good at it. I wish he takes slogans like Azadi from Wall Street, Azadi from Manhattan and Azadi from Statue of Liberty to showcase his liberal thought process." Self certified senior journalists of Indian media were delighted with this move. Burkha Dutt declared that she is already planning a series like "From a real estate tycoon to Liberal Thinker: Journey of Donald Trump" while her compatriot Rajdeep Sardesai declared that he will allocate one chapter of his next book for Donald Trump. "Seems Zee group bought India Today so I will be job less again and will have to write something. Will write about Trump and Old Monk. Subhratri!" tweeted Sardesai. The editorial of The Hindu has praised that the move of Donald Trump will put an end to caste politics in universities. N.Ram the owner of the newspaper has written an article explaining what kind of Liberal champion Trump will become once he joins JNU. Popular stand up comedian and part time politician Laloo Prasad Yadav is also  jubilant with the news. "Trumpwa to Bihar ka beta hein. Hum usko maha ghatbandhan ki istrategy sikha yenge"

Amidst all of these, students of JNU are busy with their preparations to welcome Donald Trump. Girls of the University are already wearing T-shirts with vintage Trump's photo along side caption "My darling Donald". When asked about how much they like Trump, one of the girl said "I actually dont know that guy, he should be a poet or something. But the color of this T-shirt matches with my nail polish and they are cheaper and have better quality than what they sell in Sarojini Nagar market. So I purchased one for myself  and my friend"

Whole world is waiting when Donald Trump will come out and urinate publicly shout slogans supporting Palestine and other holy places of liberalism.

Sarvejana Sukhinobhavantu,

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Management Lessons from Rahul Gandhi

Jai Guru Deva,

Yesterday was a solar eclipse and my mother is worried that myself who was born in Kumbha rasi will be negatively impacted by that. Initially I didnt belive that but now that seems to be true :( Firstly, I got fever and was forced to take a day off from work and today for some strange cosmic mystic spiritual reasons I'm finding several management lessons in the speeches of Rahul Gandhi. Let me be a little magnanimous and give you a glimpse of the knowledge the uncrowned prince of grand old party is distributing free of cost. After all, IIMA grads learnt management techniques from Laloo Prasad Yadav. 

Fruit of Knowledge 1: 10 out of 7

Only Rahul Gandhi can count 10 out of 7. But jealousy bhakts criticized him as pappu. They failed to understand the hidden message present in this. All the management gurus say "Go Extra Mile" and this is Rahul baba's way of saying that. what can be the extra mile than counting 10 when you have only 7. God damn Sanghis never think out of box!

Fruit of Knowledge 2: Thrill (maza) to every women congress worker

Today, as we speak every company is trying to become an equal opportunity employer. Same way, Rahul baba also wants enjoyment distributed across all the women congress workers. Whats so wrong about it? After all, he is the self declared champion of women empowerment in the last two thousand years. if you have any doubts about this go and watch frankly barking sorry speaking with Arnab Goswami.

Fruit of Knowledge 3: Politics in Pants

Corrupted minds cannot understand the profound message behind this claim. You see, all the corporate scandals for that matter any scandal happens because of only two things: Money and Lust. So Rahul baba is warning everybody to be wary of scandals and keep themselves clean. Atleast now you should believe Rahul baba is the best thing to happen for planet earth after sliced bread!

Fruit of Knowledge 4: This morning I woke up at night

This is perhaps the most mind blowing piece of $h!t sorry knowledge from Rahul baba. Negative minds and mediocre beings cannot apprehend the cryptic meaning behind this. If you want to go places in your career you have to work hard. which means you have to work at night but you should think that as morning. Communal Hindus never understood this while secular colleagues like Sanjay Jha and Digvijay Singh clearly understood the essence.

Fruit of Knowledge 5: India is bigger than Europe and United States put together

This is actually a master stroke by Rahul Gandhi. BJP cyber army ridiculed this and rest of shameless netizens laughed at this. But this is a message which shows the patriot hiding inside Rahul baba. If you put together all the public places where people spit without a second thought, that will be far more than the whole of Europe and USA put together. So the message here is about the hygienic sense one should have. Those who doesnt understand this are clearly agents of suit boot ki sarkar.

Will decode some more of Rahul baba's cryptics messages after the next eclipse!

Sarvejana Sukhinobhavantu,